Benny Thinks

Okay.  Okay.  Deep, cleansing breaths.  A rant/self-talk follows.  It's hard to follow; don't feel you have to read it.  <3
I went home this weekend.  To clean, to wish my mother a good mother's day, to move things back.  And when I got back the shit had hit the fan, but no one was saying anything.  Basically what happened was this: the feelings of isolation and loneliness that Bard and I have been experiencing, and his anger both about those feelings and the way others made me feel, boiled over.  He wrote a letter (that came across more nasty and telling than he meant) and gave it to Mike without consulting me.
I'm not mad that he didn't consult me, but I feel like a lot of feelings could be spared if he had.  He's so passionate, and his anger bleeds through so easily.  I wish we had had a chance to talk.  That night, after the letter was already written and delivered, we did talk.  About his negativity, about how I feel like he's distancing us from the people we love because of people he hates and the things that infuriate him.  He promised me, he promised me that he would try to work it out.
And this evening a good friend came to me and let me in on what I couldn't infer from the sideways glances and frowns of those around me.  Bard v. Everyone was feeling, and where did I stand?  Last night I lamented to Bard that I didn't want to become the next Cody and Lida and here I was faced with the evidence that we were already there.  Misconceptions and hyperbole were abound, on both sides.  Of course, I knew that our side was probably bent through the lens of Bard's and my sensitivity and passion.  We feel deeply and have trouble not taking things not meant as anything at all as not personal.  But Bard doesn't see our viewpoint as skewed; it is what it is.  And so there are misunderstandings and confusion.
I'm tired.  Since a couple months after Bard and I started dating, after I realized that I monopolizing his time and drawing him away from friends, I've tried valiantly to keep up Bard's relationships with the people that we care about.  It's been a lot of work and a lot of tears.  A lot of explaining things from multiple viewpoints and stroking his head.  So today, to hear that people suspect that I'm the reason that Bard and I seem to be pulling away (although we see it from the other side, naturally) breaks my goddamned heart.  It's hard not to have your feelings hurt when you're so fundamentally misunderstood.  But I daren't say anything to that effect to Bard, because that would rile him up, give him more ammo.
He's gone to find Mike.  I hope that at least the two of them can work something out.  Even if Mike doesn't want to be my friend anymore (I've kinda felt that way from the time Bard and I started dating) I want him and Bard to be friends.  They used to be so close, and I feel like I'm the reason that they initially drifted apart.  Now part of the problem is Kate, and I can't help but point out to Bard that he's being hypocritical and he argues that he doesn't like Kate.  That doesn't matter, but I understand why he can't see why.
I just want this all to be over.  I want things to settle down.  I want people to understand my viewpoint, but I don't want it to be through gossip.  I'm so glad that Ken came to see me, to figure out what was going on.  I wish that more people would've taken the same steps.  When it's a problem I feel I'm having, it's hard for me to "confront" people, since I often feel like I'm blowing things out of proportion.  At the same time, however, I can't help the way I feel sometimes.  So, mostly, I've just been trying my hardest and crying against Bard when I feel like it's gotten me nowhere or people are actively making me feel bad (though I don't often think this is on purpose).  And he gets angry, and he stores his anger over time.  While I cry and write and have it out with myself, my hurts are stored alongside his, waiting to be whipped out at a moment's notice.  I mean, for Christ's sake, the kid has grudges against people he knew in the fourth grade.
I just don't know what to do now.  I feel objectified, unitized.  Is that even a word?  I feel like an accessory to Bard's perceived rage, though I'm just a piece of the puzzle.  I feel like my woes must be his, and that no one understands what my feelings may be.  Every time someone came to ask about what had been going on it was: "What's with Bard?" not "What's with you?"  Goddamn it, I've been working ten times as hard as Bard to bridge the gaps that we inadvertently create in our lives through inaction, business, and God knows what else.  And the focus is on Bard.  My feelings are hurt, not just by these events, but how I am perceived surrounding these events.
But I suppose it doesn't matter.  I'm still going to try my hardest to spend time with the people that I love, to make them understand my feelings.  This post actually helped me work through a lot of the issues stored up in my brain, so I'm feeling a little better.  I think I need a vacation.
Love you.

Many thanks to you guys that dropped me lines.  It was super-sweet.  I feel better now.
I've been feeling weird lately.  The imminence of my arrival at "adulthood" is freaking me out.
School is almost out for the semester and next year marks my beginning work in the actual physical classroom.  I don't feel ready.  At all.
At the same time, Bard and I are moving into a townhouse on campus next semester.  Our bedrooms will be separate, but for all other intents and purposes we will totally live together.  I have mixed feelings.  On the one hand, I'm extremely nervous about it.  We semi-live together now, but it's a little like sleep-over, really.  We sleep in the same room and play video games and hang out, but there isn't any sort of responsibility now.  I'm worried that my expectations are a little too much...how to put this....I'm worried that it'll feel like playing at house.  On the other hand, I'm totally stoked.  I can't wait to be able to cook for myself and make choices that aren't akin to fried thing A or fried thing B.  I can't wait to be able to cook for Bard, either.  We both have crazy full schedules on Tues./Thurs. so I'm going to pack lunch for us those days.  I've started toying with the idea of bento lunch culture.  Portion control is the name of the game.
But even my excitement is slightly worrisome.  I've been thinking lately about the type of person I want to be.  What kind of job, what kind of house, what kind of hobbies, what kind of style.  I want so much, I'm worried I'm going to burn myself out.  I want to be a teacher, a housewife, a loving mother, a gardener,a morning person, a cook, a healthnut, patient, serene, spiritual, intelligent, healthy.  I'm trying to take things one step at a time, but my impatience gets the better of me.  Slow down, I tell myself, others tell me, there's plenty of time.  But, frankly, it doesn't feel that way.  In the words of Veruca Salt: "I want the world...Give it to me now."  Very not serene.
Who am I anyway?  Why isn't that good enough?  I feel as though I'm not settled.  I haven't felt settled in years.  Just as I get settled in somewhere, I'm packing up to prepare to move back.  And my family, bless them, aren't really helping.  I'm stalled and I feel helpless about it.  I'm not ready to move into adult life and it doesn't feel like a year that I'll spend mostly freaking about the next will help.  Money is a big part of it.  I don't have any; I never have any.  I think I figured that out, though.  Over the course of the summer I should make about $750, and then spend about $400 of it on gas.  I work too far from home.  Not that I can get a job closer to home.
I want to work at the Wal-Mart that's going to open in Potsdam next year, but that would require a vehicle.  But I need the money, because I need to take summer or winterim courses to get out on time (a semester late at this point) because of the way the registrar scheduled things and my late in coming to the major.
All in all, I'm anxious.  I just want it to be five years from now, and I want that to be enough time for things to settle down.

Who are you guys?  Where are you?  How could it be that when I see you, it's always coming back from something that I've missed?  Oh, the times we've had, you say.  And I nod dumbly, numbly, as if I can know and smile in what I hope to be a pleasant manner.
When did I lose you?  What did I do?  Was I remiss in my duties?  I haven't spent as much time with you as I should have, and it breaks my heart.
I'm starting to feel as though I am becoming my father.  Living in a bubble community of family and family only.  But out here, that community is only two big, and I fear it may collapse in on itself due to the stress of it all.
I want to be happy for you all.  I want to say, ah, look at how happy they are, look at the new and interesting circles in which they move.  But I haven't gone anywhere.  I haven't moved in almost two years.
So I suppose you've all left me behind.  There are some of you that I still see, and it's nice, but over time it gets more and more strained and I don't know what to do.  You do things that I don't know about, you hang out with people that I don't know.
I've found that I lack the ability to make new friends; that my critical mass of people I can comfortably know is woefully small.  So I'm stuck.  And I'm lonely.
I miss you bitterly, my dears.  Come back sometime soon.  I'll be waiting with salt on my face and a smile that belies how my heart breaks.  When we part again, I'll collapse into my two person community and wait for a fresh start and hope that my courage renews.
In the meantime, I'll be missing you.

Hey guys.
Months of radio silence, since I'm lazy.  I haven't been able to get much done.
I have a lot to do right this second, too.
Anyway, thought I'd drop a line and say if you want to hear from me regularly to check out over here: http://shortburst.livejournal.com/
It's only a line or two a day, but it's more than here.
Peace!

Hey, everybody!
I'm back to school again, kicking ass and taking names.
I don't really have anything useful to say, but I thought I might post so that you knew I was alive.
My room fucking rocks.
Much love,
Jenna

I haven't posted here in a while.
When last we left our hero...
Randi and I met up with Bard and Jim at Renn Faire and it rocked my socks.  I ate good food, and hung out and had a blast.  I was sorry to see Bard go at the end of the day, but such is life, I guess.
I haven't been doing much.  My hours at work got slaughtered, so I've been conserving the gas tank by not doing anything.  I have done a couple things in the past couple of days, though.
Sorta.
After Renn Faire, I was wiped out.  I slept all of Sunday, despite the fact that I had like a million things I should've been doing.
On Monday, Mom, Kevin and I went out to Watertown and ate lunch, saw The Simpsons (which was decent, about as funny as an older episode, with some things I was surprised they got away with) went to the gym (I kicked my ass, felt like a slug, got some advice from mom, and decided that come hell or high water this semester I'm going to the gym, dammit) and then went out to dinner.  Then I talked to Bard on the phone for about an hour, because we got to ranting.  Then Randi came and saw me and we watched Silent Hill and hung out with Kira.
Yesterday was a chore day.  I mowed some of the lawn, nearly fell off the hill and then couldn't breathe/  Then later I took down the garbage from two weeks with Kevin and that was awful.
I worked this morning, and it was one of those days where it felt like treading water.  Constant, hard work to keep from drowning, but I'm not really getting anywhere.  The store was a mess and we had important visitors.  I would like to send a personal shout-out to Krystal for the worst closing I've ever seen.  My great price sheet end cap was torn to shit.  It's not even like it's hard to fix.  There was stuff in the fitting rooms, and not just one or two things.  Boys was trashed.  (For those of you scratching your heads right now, the boys' fitting room can safely be checked about twice a day since so few people use it and the people that do use it are generally moms with boys who are used to cleaning up.)  I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe it was a busy night, I tell myself.  But the more of the store I saw as I was trying desperately to get all our new receipts out to the floor as quickly as possible, the more it seemed highly unlikely that she did anything.  Ergh.
Then I went to Mickie D's to get a sausage fix.  I haven't had much variety in the protein department lately.  It's basically chicken city here now.  I saw Tim and Dustin, who looked shocked to see me.  Then I sat down to eat my sandwich and this weird kid asked me how long I had been working at McDonald's.
I was in my Sears uniform.
So I tell him I don't work there and he asks me if they're hiring and I list off a bunch of places that are.  But I was a little creeped, so I threw out my hashbrown [ :(  ] and went on my way.
But I got shitloads of stuff done in my room.  It's about half clean, and I'm about a third or half packed.  Happy!  We had pizza for dinner, but it turns out I hate Domino's, so I didn't eat it and now I'm hungry, hungry and all there is is chicken.  Probably.  Maybe I'll find something else hiding somewhere.
On a similar note, I'm tired of Jeanette living here.
Also, I miss my beau, my siblings, and my friends, in that order.
Khat, if you're reading this, what are you doing Friday?  I only work until ten in the morning and I'm thinking about going to Cracker Barrel and getting some pictures developed.

Howdy, ya'll.  Lots has happened since my last post, as always.  c:
Randi and Khat and I went to the county fair and I felt sooo sick after this ride called the Storm.  It was so much fun.  I really like hangin out with those two.
Then I went to work for days nad dealt with this Krystal thing.  If you don't know, it goes something like this.  Krystal, the new girl at work, decided no one knew how to talk to her and no one respected her, blah blah.  Well, Sally had talked to Monique and Marcy about being nicer and I had thought, you know, I should really try to be nice to Krystal, make her feel welcome, help her when I can, etc.  So I made sure to be espcially sweet with her, and tried to be helpful.  Anyway, one day last week she explodes on me on the floor.  I was so upset that I was crying.  Thankfully, I have an awesome mother, and I calmed down.  We talked after my lunch, and though I felt she unduly blamed me, I thought things were cool after that.  But anyway, it apparently has escalated, and she went crying to our HR person and now there's supposed to be this meeting at 2 today to discuss this.  I'm calling off work.  I'm too much of crybaby to go to work and the first thing that I doi is sit in a room and be told I'm a bitch.  No thanks.
I'm going to Renn Faire on Saturday.  Who else is going?  I'm thinking of going to Wal*mart today and looking at the cost of making a costume.  Since I'm taking today off and I have tomorrow off, I think I would have time.  But I should probably be looking through boxes and making decisions about school and about the leadership conference.
Bleh.
Bard came and saw me.  It wasn't long enough.  I miss him so much.  But the time that we did have was awesome.  It was raining both days, so we didn't get to go to the zoo, but we went to Cam's and the mall and TGIFriday's.  We watched about half of Karin and he was thoroughly amused, especially by the puppet opening.  I can't wait to see him at Renn Faire.  I think he's brining Jim, and I like Jim pretty good.
I'm hungry, so Imma go eat now.

Blah blah.  Less than a month of work left.  Then Cali, then school.
Can't wait to see Bard.  Eight days!
In other news, my bank sucks.
I got a newsletter for the leadership conference.  I should probably mobilize in that soon, or I'll forget.
I don't feel very industrious this summer.  I haven't done either of the projects I set myself to...I have to go get ready for work.

Hoo!  I'm bad at this journal lately.  I've been posting over here so much that posting in this one feels redundant, which is stupid because they're totally different.
So, work-work-working.  At Sears, things are gearing up for next week's monumental resets (back-to-school, it is coming).  At home, trying to discipline myself to spend some time creating everyday.  It's been working pretty well, but I think it would work better if my computer was in a better place.  I wish my desk wasn't so completely broken.  As for weight loss, it was kinda put on hold.  I haven't been getting the sleep I want and I haven't been able to go to the gym yet.  And it's hard to eat right with the kids around and all the junk.  I'll try again soon.
Which reminds me, Alec and Meri are leaving tomorrow.  D:  I'm gonna miss them, despite their themness.  It'll be too quiet, I think.
Saw Ratatouille on Sunday with Khat and Randi at the drive-in.  Jesus, what a cute little movie.  What a fun night.  I love hanging with those two.  It's always so refreshing.  I wish Vanessa had come out, too, but she was sad and I understand that.
Bard's coming up in two weeks!  I'm so excited.  I can't wait to see him.  We have a day of fun planned.
I wonder if I own a bike.  Maybe I'll find out today.
My foot's falling asleep, so Imma hit it.  Laters!

Hey, ya'll!
I've been writing!  Whoo!  I bought myself a book of prompts and inspiration, since I saw Randi's the other day and remembered how much I adore them.  It's boss!  That reminds me, I hung out with Khat and Randi until five a.m. the other night.  Good times.  Khat and I talked about doing a webcomic together.
But so many questions about that!  I've been thinking on it.  So much to consider, format, genre, characters.  I think it would be fun if we could do it!
Anyway!  I'm tired!  I have to go to work tomorrow and then I'm seeing Bard on Tuesday!  Sooooo excited!

Hooray!  Last night of closing this week!  So excited!
Gregbob found me on the internets!  Yay!  Though we're never on at the same time.  ^_^*  It's cool that he found me, though.  I so excited that he and Robin are gettin' married.  Happiness!  A shoutout to Gregbob, who is awesome!  I still remember math class with him as a partner like it was yesterday...We drew on the board after we were done with our problems and gave Ms. Lunman a huge headache.  Good times!
Anyway!  Friday!  I have a lot planned!  Sorta!  After work, I'm going to buy a phonecard and Amy Winhouse's album, put half of my money in a savings account, come back here, watch some anime with Randi (we gotta finish Karin!), and hopefully get together with she and Khat to play D&D or something.  We'll see!  Woot!
I miss my college friends and my boyfriend, but I'll survive, I think.  Today marks the two month countdown to being back.  (Though the only people who'll be with me are Mike and Nate...)  I'll miss home and all my friends here.  Living a double life can be rough.

Bleh, my head hurts.
Working.  All the time.  I do have Saturday off, and I want to try for plans on Friday, so we'll see.
I miss everyone.  I got to see Randi yesterday.  We watched some Karin together and chatted it up and went to WalMart where apparently rednecks thought she was my "boyfriend."  Which was kinda funny, really, because I can't imagine what gave them that idea.
Trying to get back into the swing of writing.  Did this last night.  If you've read any of my stuff, you've probably read the first go at this, so it might be weird.  I tried just re-working, but decided I would try to re-write, using my old stuff as reference.  I have a more complete picture in my head of what's going on,and I think it'll go better.  Check it out and tell me what you think.
Well, that's all for now.

P.S. I like tacos.

Things I'm fucking tired of (in no particular order):
1. Being a total bitch the first three days of my period
2. Being fat
3. My boyfriend not getting the hint
4. Cramps so bad they make me cry
5. Six a.m. shifts
6. Having no money despite working my ass off
7. Not seeing my boyfriend
8. Feeling deaf and that twitchy feeling in my ears
9. Feeling ugly
10. My sisters self-induced bitch-fits

Work has been keeping me soooooo busy.  I go, it kicks my ass, I recover, I go again.  The cycle begins anew!  But I like it except for how much my feet hurt.  I have tomorrow and Thursday off.
I downloaded and subsequently watched all of Karin.  What is that? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4fQf7wRSb8 That's the opening the and rest of the show generally follows suit except for the weird nakedness.  I loved it.  Very shoujo, but I can't seem to help myself.
There were other things I was gonna say, but I don't remember what they were.  I'll write them here as I do remember them.
I'm going spinning at 6 o'clock in the morning tomorrow.  Woot.

First real day at Sears.  I spent FOREVER on the computer.  I love my actual job, though, and can't wait until I'm done with training and can do it all the time.  I need better shoes!
I spent the night at Khat's yesterday.  At this very moment I am trying to go see Bard tomorrow.  I don't work until Tuesday, and I have my first D&D adventure planned.  I think I wanna try playing the firs time on Monday.  At least with Randi and Khat, since I haven't had a chance to meet with Anthony or come up with a plan to do so.  The past several days have been utterly retarded.
Also, the weather sucks.  I want it to be dry and cool.  That would be lovely.

Sears called back!  I have orientation on Friday from five to eight.  I'm trying to see Bard on Saturday and Sunday, since he's got them off and he has a pool.  I hope it works out.
Still working on my D&D stuff.  I feel like I should explain the basic premise of the game clearly the first time.  Ant said he was interested, so now I just need to figure out times and what it is, exactly, I'm doing.
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.  I have a cavity.  :)
Peace.

I just had an awesome day.  Hung out with Vanessa and Randi and Khat and set up my new D&D game sorta.  Hung out outside; got a bug bite, that's not cool.  Now I'm going to play some Harvest Moon and work on my pet project: All the items to all the people!  Mwah-ha-ha. 
Argh!  I want Sears to call!
Come to Renn Faire with me on the 27th of July.  Seriously.  There'll be pirates.  Here's the website: http://www.sterlingfestival.com/
I thought I had more to say.  Leave me love!

Dear Internet,
   I am having an incredibly painful caffeine withdrawal headache and I'm eating to make myself feel better (it actually works until I stop).  I gave into my incredible desire for Hamburger Helper, and I want to eat a stack of pancakes two fists high swimming in butter and syrup.  Today is not a good day is Jenna-weight-loss-land, though I did get some activity when Alec and I chased the dog around.
One day at a time...

Alrighty, time for my actual homecoming post.
I've had a bit of a busy week.  Got home, began the process of balancing my room so I can actually live here, set up Baby (my computer), burned Khat's gallery to disc, played DDR, totally had two interviews with Sears and got the job, and began my losing weight goals.
My room is almost livable, I have a drug test tomorrow, and I ate a giant fudge round.  I'm a little down (I miss everyone from Potsdam sooo much and I haven't quite connected with the people here).  I'm also trying to write more this summer, so we'll see how that goes.
I don't really have much to say, since most of what I've been doing has already been said.  I should do something fun tomorrow, seeing as it's the first Friday I'm home and Bard will be busy with his friends.

I'm home, bitches!